I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Randomize
