i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
