Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
