the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
