Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
