she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
