theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
