I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there's paper in my vomit.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
