I think I died a long time ago.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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