I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
