just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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