my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
