I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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