Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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