My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
