This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
