Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
