So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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