after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
