So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
