You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
