I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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