so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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