so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
