Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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