I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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