Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
