I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
