I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
