you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
