she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
