Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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