Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
