so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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