And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
