We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
