I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
