I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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