Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
