So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
