Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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