I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
