I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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