My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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