end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
