I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
