Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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