Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I did not marry a roomba.
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