Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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