You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
