I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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